I was in my 62nd year and I had an aversion to mobile phones. The screen was too small and for me a mobile suddenly ringing out was like an alarm bell I had to respond to, so I had no mobile and as my wife, family and friends all knew they could contact me by messaging my iPad anyway, I didn’t see this as a problem.

I took the iPad to work with me every day, except for the rare occasions I went out with colleagues, for an evening straight from the office, then I would leave it at home not wishing to leave it behind somewhere. My wife knew this.

It was 7.45 am as I walked with my iPad to the bus stop for work, as usual, and too late I realised my mistake. It was a colleague’s leaving do at a pub after work! Still I thought, I will leave the iPad at work in my desk overnight.

6pm I am in the pub knocking back a pint, my iPad safely stored away at work. Meanwhile my wife (who I think knows of my plans, I was convinced I told her), apparently doesn’t know of my plans at all! She has my evening dinner cooked and waiting to be eaten. 6.30 pm and she is wondering why I am so late home. It occurs to her that I could have arranged something after work but after a search sees that my iPad has been taken to work, so she dismisses that idea.

She begins messaging and ringing my iPad. No answer. No answer. No answer. She rings the office but only gets the answerphone. 7pm and she is concerned so drives to my office only to find it in complete darkness. I seem to have vanished without explanation and despite many more attempts to contact me there is no response.

My stepson traces the route I would take home. No sign of me. My brother-in-law visits all the pubs in the region of my office and close to my home. No sign of me. I have truly vanished.

8pm. Have I had an accident? Have I been beaten up or worse? Meanwhile 8pm, in a pub in the centre of Leeds, “No, no, it’s my round, you got the last one, would you like a whiskey Nick?” “Don’t mind if I do.”

9pm. The hospitals have no trace of me being admitted either.

9.30pm. My wife rings the police. “Was he stressed?. Had you had an argument? Has his behaviour changed recently? Was he worried about anything? Do you wish to report your husband as a missing person?”

10pm. “Whose round is it?” 10pm. The police are out with torches searching the banks of the Leeds and Liverpool Canal.

11.30pm. I arrive home. My wife is at the door in floods of tears. “Whatever is wrong?” “I’ve been so worried, I thought you’d been attacked or something.”

My wife rings the police with the good news. The police are suspicious. “So If he is back safe and well, why are you crying?”

10 minutes later there is a knock at our door. The police have realised that it is entirely possible that my wife has reported me missing after doing away with me, and that she has then had second thoughts about the report. Two police officers are standing in our living room, and that’s when the lady officer turns to the male officer and says “You see, I told you some people still don’t have phones!”